Whether you love the cut-and-thrust of a good debate, or you hope for the ground to swallow you up as soon as people start getting animated over Blur vs Oasis, here’s a few tips to help you navigate conflict positively in your working relationships.
Don't ignore it
It can be so very tempting to ignore rumbles of conflict, or brush things under the carpet - especially if you think that the conflict might be short-lived. However, if you can address things positively and quickly, you'll build the foundations of a productive working relationship. Otherwise, you run the risk of passively accepting a relationship dynamic which isn't working for you - and this can be much harder to address.
Understand your conflict style
People have different approaches to handling conflict, and have different tolerances for how much conflict they wish to deal with. This can ebb and flow throughout our lives, depending on what else is going on for us. Simply knowing that there is more than one way to approach conflict - and that we have a choice in what style we use - can be hugely powerful to help us foster more positive relationships.
The Thomas-Kilmann (TKI) model is a great tool to help us understand how different levels of assertiveness and cooperativeness affect our conflict style.
· Avoiding: low cooperation and low assertiveness. “I’ll think about it tomorrow”.
· Accommodating: high cooperation and low assertiveness. “It would be my pleasure”.
· Competing: low cooperation and high assertiveness. “My way or the highway”.
· Collaborating: high cooperation and high assertiveness. “Two heads are better than one”.
· Compromising: medium cooperation and assertiveness. “Let’s make a deal”.
Of course, no style is inherently wrong, and each style has its uses – but we must ensure we’re choosing the right style for the occasion. For example, during a fire evacuation we can probably expect the fire services to be assertive in their communication. Outside of an emergency situation? We’d probably expect a good dollop of cooperativeness too. What is your conflict style like? How is it serving you?
Put yourself in their shoes
Conflict often stems from (at least one) unmet need. Sometimes, this isn’t obvious, and needs patience and understanding to get to the root cause. It’s easy to make assumptions about what the other person needs – but how can you find out what’s really going on?
Abraham Lincoln is apparently credited with saying "I don't like that man. I must get to know him better". I often invite my coachees to reflect on the most generous thing they can do or say in this moment. This question has unlocked many situations over the years!
Recognise that conflict is important
We are all different. We have unique perspectives and needs, and being assertive in expressing these needs is important. There are numerous case studies which show us how dangerous it is when groups don’t challenge each other (known as “groupthink”).
Healthy conflict helps us to make good quality decisions. Sometimes, discussions get heated because people don’t feel their voices have been heard properly. So, next time you have a team meeting or one-to-one, consider how you can create space for healthy conflict by inviting in opinions which may challenge yours. Be ready to hear their perspective. You don’t have to agree with it, but you do have to be sincere in your effort to understand it.
Don’t fear using structure and support to resolve conflict
Conflict can be especially stressful when it feels like it’s never-ending. Yet we can be resistant or sceptical of involving others, or using support structures like mediation to help us navigate conflict. It can feel too formal, evoking images of sledgehammers and nuts.
Imagine it’s 12 months from now. What will be different? Will the conflict have resolved itself naturally? Or is there a risk that things will still be the same? If it’s the latter, it might be time to ask for help.
Prioritise your wellbeing
Conflict can be stressful to navigate, and can linger on your mind even after you’ve left the office for the day. Do ensure you’re looking after your own wellbeing, especially if the situation endures. Make sure you’re prioritising the essentials like nutrition, sleep, hydration and exercise. Consider where you’re getting support from, such as your manager, a buddy, a mentor, or coach.
And one final thing…
“Don’t trust your words when your heart is bitter”.
Conflict situations can touch a nerve (and sometimes we can’t even pinpoint why!). I like to have a stock phrase to buy some time when I need to calm down, reflect, gather my thoughts and formulate my response. Something quick like “I can see where you’re coming from. Let me mull it over and come back to you later this week”.
Don’t have time for this? Offer to make a brew – sometimes some focussed breathing while the kettle boils is enough.
Are you navigating a conflict situation at work? If you'd benefit from a neutral, confidential space to explore how to approach things differently, drop me a line for a no-obligation discovery call: sarah@sarahacton.com
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